Blog

The “Other” Mom

I remember the first time my child wanted to do something nice for his step mom on Mother’s Day. I remember it like it was yesterday… because it literally was….. After having the Mother’s Day gifts all to myself for the last 9 years, I just found out that this year he asked to give her one too.
 
He doesn’t know that I know this yet. I heard it from the person who does the Mother’s Day gift making/shopping with him.
 
When I heard the news, it made me break into tears. It was an emotion I have never had to encounter before… sharing my child with another woman.
 
The thought of him thinking of anyone else as his mother… when I have been there taking care of his every need for the last ten years was a shocker and quite unexpected. Something I don’t think we can ever prepare for.
 
Raising him as a single parent has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I realized right away why it takes two people to create a child because it honestly takes two people (or more) to raise one. To the mothers (and sometimes fathers) who are oncall 24 hours a day raising their children, working a full time job, and trying to figure out who they are when they have a spare 30 seconds…. You all know that it’s a tough job.
 
It’s a job that when done right is the most rewarding. I have always found that taking the easy route is never nearly as rewarding as doing the right thing and facing all the struggles that come with it.
 
His father’s new wife has been a challenge for him to get used to. He isn’t always sure about her. He struggles sometimes but I know that it is important for him to keep trying to grow his relationship with his dad and his new step mom. So I continuously encourage it.
 
I know that it would be easier to use his fears to my advantage and I am in a position of power to sway him to think she is the devil. To be completely honest, there is a small part of me that thinks it might actually be fun to swash the relationship to hurt my ex. Afterall, I have never been acknowledged by him on Mother’s Day. A piece of revenge may tastes sweet for a few seconds.
 
But the last time I checked…. My child is not a game piece on some board game. And that thought of revenge may feel nice for a split second…. But that’s really NOT who I am. I do not feel peace, joy or love from getting revenge on anyone… even those I have loved that stopped loving me back.
 
So, this Mother’s Day I am able to celebrate two things!
 
Two AMAZING things!
 
1. The unconditional love of my child
 
AND
 
2. Great parenting!
 
Because the truth is, I know that not having love from both parents is the worst thing that could ever happen to my child. So by setting my personal feelings and hurt aside, I am able to provide my child with a loving experience from both parties. And to encourage to have an open heart and how important it is to have gratitude and love in his life…. I just proved to myself that I am rocking the parenting gig!
 
My message for all of you today, is Happy Mother’s Day and no matter how hard it is (unless it is an extremely abusive situation, then seek help) please encourage a relationship with your child’s step parent always.
 
There is enough love for EVERYONE!
 
If you would like to talk more on this subject please feel free to reach out. Thank you!

Infidelity is Stealing Your Peace of Mind

It’s SO easy to cheat when things get boring or even hard in relationships. Meeting people has become even more convenient than in the past. It’s easy to carry on conversations over text messaging in front of your partner or create an online dating profile without your significant other having any clue.

And once you have been cheated on…. you feel like you can’t ever trust again.

You feel “crazy” because you start questioning everything. It starts to drive you nuts, because it’s all you ever think about.

You want to know everything… but even with the proof right in front of you… you still REALLY don’t want to believe it.

I mean… how could he do this to you? To us? To our family?

How could he possibly want to be with someone else? Doesn’t the last (two, five, ten, twenty, etc) years mean anything to him?

It’s a terrible feeling. It’s cold. It’s devastating. It’s lonely. It’s realizing that EVERYTHING, meant NOTHING.

It steals your best memories with him, tainting them with anger and resentment.

I know how this feels because I have been there, and it was one of the hardest times in my life.

I literally had to peel myself off the floor everyday and force myself to take one step at a time.

I felt numb. It was easier to feel nothing…. than to feel something.

But I found out that if you choose to be numb so you don’t have to feel anything… you don’t feel ANYTHING.

I robbed myself of my joy, my peace of mind, my self love…. I did the worst thing ever…

I robbed myself from LIVING LIFE.

I took my own life (temporarily) because I allowed someone else to have my power. I valued them more than myself. I honored them more than myself.

Who can relate?

Why Everyone Needs to get a Coach

A few days ago, I was talking with a new friend and she asked what I did for a living. I proceed to tell her that I coach women and she was surprised that people actually pay for that “stuff”. I was a little surprised by her response, but then I got thinking about how if she hasn’t ever had a coach that she wouldn’t necessarily understand their benefits.

It made me sad because the person I was talking to was very unhappy in her life. She was very frustrated by her lack of individuality in her relationship. She felt controlled and criticized by her partner. But… obviously since she is “living the life” her vantage point was one of great success…….

 

This experience made me feel called to debunk some of the myths about love coaching:

1. It’s all motivational quotes and pretty flowers:

Coaches don’t search for memes all day long to help you feel better. They also don’t fart rainbows and roses either. It is actually the opposite. A coach will push you harder than you can ever push yourself. They will move you past your comfort zone so you make more growth than you have ever experienced in your life. They don’t except excuses, make you take full responsibility for your life and help you turn your deepest desires into your reality. It’s hard work. I am not going to tell you it will be easy… but I will tell you it will be worth every penny. At that point… you might notice the occasional rainbow farts!

2. Success isn’t a ONE SIZE fits all approach:

If you think success is the same for everyone you are wrong. Dating someone who makes you happy and feel safe maybe one persons goal while another person may want someone they can work out with. Coaches help you get clear on your desires and help you define your success through processes of introspection and clarification.  The homework and feedback they give you makes it impossible to figure it out without support.

3. Anyone can be a coach:

This is defiantly FALSE and here is why…. It is easier to be a mentor because anyone can be one. However, not anyone can be a coach. Mentorship requires that you have a little more experience or knowledge than the person you are mentoring. In mentoring, there is no real goal, no definition of where you want to go, and no specific set of skills necessary to help accomplish anything. Whereas coaching requires the skills, knowledge, and processes to help the client get from point A to point B. Coaches do not give ‘I think you should try this’ advice. Instead a coach has developed a system to get you where you want to go. A coach will walk you through exactly what you need to do to get there.

4. You can’t afford a coach:

When my clients finish my program I always ask them what the program was worth to them. The answer I got from my client yesterday was, “well… your program is worth the cost of a divorce, which I looked up and it is half of my assets AND the cost of a wedding which is around 20k.”

I get asked all the time how I can go from teaching to coaching. My answer is, “I got my first coach in 2015 and sense then, I have spent thousands on coaches who all have been the reason I am building the life I desire and not just settling with the one I had. If your thinking, why would she do that? I totally understand. I understand because that is the mindset you have always live with and that is okay. But, let me ask you something. If everything you have been doing was enough to help you get everything that you want… then wouldn’t you have everything you want already?

It’s time to learn and try something different.

BECAUSE of the coaching I have committed to, I have been able to condense YEARS of trial and error into a few short months of getting everything I want out of life plus more! Living a happy life and finally being treated like a princess and loved for the person I am is worth more to me than anything.

The truth is… IF YOU want to live an AMAZING life, you can’t afford NOT to have a coach… or two like I do!

 

 

Dating Like a Man

MEN ARE AMAZING at dating. Whether they know it or not, they are much better at it than most women.

  1. MEN DON’T SETTLE DOWN UNTIL THEY GET THEIR SH*T TOGETHER. For men, dating is just for fun and they keep it casual until they have all their other affairs in order. One thing unique about most men is they are very focused on what they want to accomplish. They tend to take on less at one time than women do. Women generally are more likely to multitask.
  2. MEN ARE MORE LIKELY TO DATE MULTIPLE WOMEN AT THE SAME TIME. Men do not get emotionally involved while dating. They usually have a few women they are talking to at a time. This is fun and exciting for them and it allows them to learn about themselves and what they want from a partner.
  3. MEN COMMUNICATE PHYSICALLY NOT THROUGH TALKING. While women like to talk everything out, a man is looking to communicate with you physically. They don’t want to hear about your feelings or get wrapped up in any social drama. If you want a man to be serious about you and really get to know you, hold off on getting physically intimate with him unless that is what you desire. But don’t get hung up on him because there is a good chance he will loose interest quickly.
  4. MEN LIKE THE CHASE. Men like to be the pursuers. Sit back and watch if a man is interested in you. See what he will do for you and what he is willing to do to get your attention. No matter how much you like a guy… if he isn’t willing to treat you right, consider the obvious… You dodged a bullet!

Go out there ladies and start dating like the men you are going out with. Before you settle down… make sure you have your SHIT together! Don’t date one guy at a time, you should always be talking to 1-3 other guys at a time so you don’t get too emotionally attached and when you see any “red flags” you can weed through them easily. Don’t get physical with a guy until you know he is REALLY interested in you. I recommend waiting 3 months to see if he sticks around to be with you. Lastly, men like the chase. Feel free to drop a few hints to get his attention but then sit back and see what he does. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS so be mindful of that.

Happy Dating!!

Holding on to the Idea of Him

GET OUT of your head. STOP telling yourself stories.

Stories of the past.

Stories of regret.

Stories of failure.

Stories of disbelief.

Stories that he is going to come back.

HE LEFT YOU. He left you and he is GONE. Give up on him. Give up on the idea of him. Give up on your plans, your future, your dreams with him.

Holding on to the idea of him is your way of trying to keep the relationship alive. And if he comes back, you BETTER NOT take him back.

YOU ARE NOT something he can set aside and come back to when it is CONVENIENT for him. A man who leaves you, may come back, but it won’t be long before he either gets “distracted” again or he remembers why he left in the first place. Don’t even for a second give him the idea that he can CONTROL and MANIPULATE your feelings. If you do, he will start playing with your emotions.

Give yourself a few days to fully feel your loss and then pick yourself up and pull your shoulders back and move on in life with your dignity.

You can’t make anyone stay with you against their will and you DEFINITELY are not a door mat for ANYONE to come back and use when it’s convenient.